Monday, September 27, 2010

birth joy hope love possibility excitement tears

death sadness regret loss finite terminal end tears

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

jumpstart

I wrote recently that obsession was knowing what the world was like without a person and doing everything possible to combat it. I believe that, even though I'm not exactly certain what it means. I think it means that you can see how your life would be less without the contribution of a specific person, and, knowing the dull greys that would follow, doing everything in your power to keep that person in your life.

I have not always been good at keeping people in my life. I can't tell you how many wonderful people I have let slip through the cracks over the years by not doing the simple task of dropping them a message every now and again. And soon, you become so distant from that person by sheer lack of communication alone that you realize it would be so difficult to just call out of the blue. It feels shameful. It's truly shameful the way I have let great people go, replacing them with the newer friends. What nobody has yet seem to realize is that this is my greatest sin: letting good people slip away.

More than anything, I wish I knew why I let it happen. It's as if I'm staring the dilemma right in the face and I know the solution, but I can't act on it. I think it's the same reason I keep RedBox movies out for weeks and never watch them, the reason I eat terribly even though I have diabetes that might kill me, and making my student loan payments at the last minute even though I have the money.

The truth is I need desperately to grow up. I complain all the time that I want the life of a grownup, and yet I do irresponsible things. If I want the life I dream about, I've got to change. Or I've got to be happy with a poorly lived life. And I wouldn't be who I am if I could even think about tolerating a poorly lived life. I'm so much better than that. Time to jump start my life back to life.