finding you well

i look back to those days and remember how it felt to love you. to remember how we shared the same kind of pain. to think of how we could connect with words in a way few others could. i wish you had known me when i was truly well. i think you would have liked me even better, and there wouldn't have been that same level of turmoil.

help

i could really use so much help and advice right now, but my mind is so numb from sadness that i am only drawing blanks. i don't even know how to ask for help right now. so i won't. i'll just ask that you keep me in your thoughts, if not your prayers, at least for a little while.

thanks.

The Homosexual Agenda

Many in the homosexual community have long denied the existence of an agenda, tailored to advance the cause and the ideology of our…race? Religion? Socioeconomic status? Ah, no—our sexual orientation. I’m here to tell you that we do indeed have an agenda, and it threatens to drastically change the status quo of heteronormative life in America.

The modern homosexual is like a previously endangered species protected by federal wildlife laws (in this case increased social acceptance), whose apparent numbers have increased over the years. The locals, of course, want to start “thinning the herds,” and their argument is clear: the increased numbers of this protected group are gravely affecting the populations of the natural majorities. Clearly the protected group, a mere 3-4% of the communal population, is doing too well and competing so ferociously that the majority will be impaired and disadvantaged beyond repair. Lions and tigers and bears….oh my!

These sentiments are most clearly echoed in the black-and-white educational films of the 1950s that suggest homosexuality is an insidious, yet highly transmissible sickness of the mind. Titles like “Boys Beware!” portray homosexuals as if they were communists, lurking in every dark corner, ready to seize the souls of the weak, innocent, and dull. Certain stereotypes of the homosexual male are now dated remnants of a bygone era: the too friendly Samaritan, the overly interested stranger, or the deceptive mentor. Yet these stereotypes, crude as they may be, reflect the subversive nature of and inherent risks in identifying oneself as a homosexual at that time. Homosexuals had to lurk under piers, in public restrooms, and within the dark, foreboding shrubbery of parks because society had pushed gays to the fringes, forcing us deeper into the darkest recesses of our own communities.

Admittedly, homosexuality has an insidious side, but not in the way of cult-like recruiting efforts promoting absolute hedonism and the immediate gratification of carnal desires. Give me a break. It is a rampant and well-lobbied homophobia that pits friends, neighbors, and families against one another. It is the sustained drudgery of poorly constructed stereotypes and witless jokes that only serve to lessen the bitter taste of the hatred these people pour into the hearts of their children. It is being silent when action is called for, being complacent when faced with adversity, and allowing hate to conquer love.

So I promised a homosexual agenda, and a homosexual agenda you shall have: our only agenda is to defeat the conformism and social mores that argue we aren’t worthy to exist in the public eye. It is to promote diversity, respect of self, and tolerance of others. It is trying to understand another point of view even when it shakes our sense of morality and truth to the core. It is to seek the lasting love of our partners, friends, and families without strangers publicly questioning our motives or devotion. It is ultimately the pursuit of happiness. It’s been a long time coming, but thank God Almighty it’s here at last.

If you can’t agree with that, God help us, and God help the USA.

birth joy hope love possibility excitement tears

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jumpstart

I wrote recently that obsession was knowing what the world was like without a person and doing everything possible to combat it. I believe that, even though I'm not exactly certain what it means. I think it means that you can see how your life would be less without the contribution of a specific person, and, knowing the dull greys that would follow, doing everything in your power to keep that person in your life.

I have not always been good at keeping people in my life. I can't tell you how many wonderful people I have let slip through the cracks over the years by not doing the simple task of dropping them a message every now and again. And soon, you become so distant from that person by sheer lack of communication alone that you realize it would be so difficult to just call out of the blue. It feels shameful. It's truly shameful the way I have let great people go, replacing them with the newer friends. What nobody has yet seem to realize is that this is my greatest sin: letting good people slip away.

More than anything, I wish I knew why I let it happen. It's as if I'm staring the dilemma right in the face and I know the solution, but I can't act on it. I think it's the same reason I keep RedBox movies out for weeks and never watch them, the reason I eat terribly even though I have diabetes that might kill me, and making my student loan payments at the last minute even though I have the money.

The truth is I need desperately to grow up. I complain all the time that I want the life of a grownup, and yet I do irresponsible things. If I want the life I dream about, I've got to change. Or I've got to be happy with a poorly lived life. And I wouldn't be who I am if I could even think about tolerating a poorly lived life. I'm so much better than that. Time to jump start my life back to life.

rich memories

When we became friends, there was an immediate and beautiful connection. Our conversations were rich, effortless, and meaningful. Talking with you was easy and exciting. Spending time with you was bliss.

And somehow, somewhere along the way it all fell apart. You told me within weeks of our becoming friends that you would fail me. I'm afraid we failed each other, friend. And I'm sorry. I wasn't well, and I wasn't thinking correctly. I was starting to be consumed by the darkness of my secrets and the fear of my life. I wish I could have pulled myself out and saved the beautiful friendship we had.

I promise I will always carry the fond memories, and let the bad ones slip into oblivion. I will remember your smile, your laugh, your tears, and the love for life we shared. I wish you well, now and always.

it is true that i take a fall harder than most. wearing my heart on my sleeve as i do, it's tenderness is exposed for all to see and for all to injure. and when injured, it bleeds not blood, but sorrow and hurt. in this position, trepid as it may be, i expose my heart to anguish, but also to the slightest caress of kindness. and so i gamble, every day, with my heart as my stake. will you up the ante or fold? or are you bluffing after all?