finding you well

i look back to those days and remember how it felt to love you. to remember how we shared the same kind of pain. to think of how we could connect with words in a way few others could. i wish you had known me when i was truly well. i think you would have liked me even better, and there wouldn't have been that same level of turmoil.

help

i could really use so much help and advice right now, but my mind is so numb from sadness that i am only drawing blanks. i don't even know how to ask for help right now. so i won't. i'll just ask that you keep me in your thoughts, if not your prayers, at least for a little while.

thanks.

The Homosexual Agenda

Many in the homosexual community have long denied the existence of an agenda, tailored to advance the cause and the ideology of our…race? Religion? Socioeconomic status? Ah, no—our sexual orientation. I’m here to tell you that we do indeed have an agenda, and it threatens to drastically change the status quo of heteronormative life in America.

The modern homosexual is like a previously endangered species protected by federal wildlife laws (in this case increased social acceptance), whose apparent numbers have increased over the years. The locals, of course, want to start “thinning the herds,” and their argument is clear: the increased numbers of this protected group are gravely affecting the populations of the natural majorities. Clearly the protected group, a mere 3-4% of the communal population, is doing too well and competing so ferociously that the majority will be impaired and disadvantaged beyond repair. Lions and tigers and bears….oh my!

These sentiments are most clearly echoed in the black-and-white educational films of the 1950s that suggest homosexuality is an insidious, yet highly transmissible sickness of the mind. Titles like “Boys Beware!” portray homosexuals as if they were communists, lurking in every dark corner, ready to seize the souls of the weak, innocent, and dull. Certain stereotypes of the homosexual male are now dated remnants of a bygone era: the too friendly Samaritan, the overly interested stranger, or the deceptive mentor. Yet these stereotypes, crude as they may be, reflect the subversive nature of and inherent risks in identifying oneself as a homosexual at that time. Homosexuals had to lurk under piers, in public restrooms, and within the dark, foreboding shrubbery of parks because society had pushed gays to the fringes, forcing us deeper into the darkest recesses of our own communities.

Admittedly, homosexuality has an insidious side, but not in the way of cult-like recruiting efforts promoting absolute hedonism and the immediate gratification of carnal desires. Give me a break. It is a rampant and well-lobbied homophobia that pits friends, neighbors, and families against one another. It is the sustained drudgery of poorly constructed stereotypes and witless jokes that only serve to lessen the bitter taste of the hatred these people pour into the hearts of their children. It is being silent when action is called for, being complacent when faced with adversity, and allowing hate to conquer love.

So I promised a homosexual agenda, and a homosexual agenda you shall have: our only agenda is to defeat the conformism and social mores that argue we aren’t worthy to exist in the public eye. It is to promote diversity, respect of self, and tolerance of others. It is trying to understand another point of view even when it shakes our sense of morality and truth to the core. It is to seek the lasting love of our partners, friends, and families without strangers publicly questioning our motives or devotion. It is ultimately the pursuit of happiness. It’s been a long time coming, but thank God Almighty it’s here at last.

If you can’t agree with that, God help us, and God help the USA.

birth joy hope love possibility excitement tears

death sadness regret loss finite terminal end tears

jumpstart

I wrote recently that obsession was knowing what the world was like without a person and doing everything possible to combat it. I believe that, even though I'm not exactly certain what it means. I think it means that you can see how your life would be less without the contribution of a specific person, and, knowing the dull greys that would follow, doing everything in your power to keep that person in your life.

I have not always been good at keeping people in my life. I can't tell you how many wonderful people I have let slip through the cracks over the years by not doing the simple task of dropping them a message every now and again. And soon, you become so distant from that person by sheer lack of communication alone that you realize it would be so difficult to just call out of the blue. It feels shameful. It's truly shameful the way I have let great people go, replacing them with the newer friends. What nobody has yet seem to realize is that this is my greatest sin: letting good people slip away.

More than anything, I wish I knew why I let it happen. It's as if I'm staring the dilemma right in the face and I know the solution, but I can't act on it. I think it's the same reason I keep RedBox movies out for weeks and never watch them, the reason I eat terribly even though I have diabetes that might kill me, and making my student loan payments at the last minute even though I have the money.

The truth is I need desperately to grow up. I complain all the time that I want the life of a grownup, and yet I do irresponsible things. If I want the life I dream about, I've got to change. Or I've got to be happy with a poorly lived life. And I wouldn't be who I am if I could even think about tolerating a poorly lived life. I'm so much better than that. Time to jump start my life back to life.

rich memories

When we became friends, there was an immediate and beautiful connection. Our conversations were rich, effortless, and meaningful. Talking with you was easy and exciting. Spending time with you was bliss.

And somehow, somewhere along the way it all fell apart. You told me within weeks of our becoming friends that you would fail me. I'm afraid we failed each other, friend. And I'm sorry. I wasn't well, and I wasn't thinking correctly. I was starting to be consumed by the darkness of my secrets and the fear of my life. I wish I could have pulled myself out and saved the beautiful friendship we had.

I promise I will always carry the fond memories, and let the bad ones slip into oblivion. I will remember your smile, your laugh, your tears, and the love for life we shared. I wish you well, now and always.

it is true that i take a fall harder than most. wearing my heart on my sleeve as i do, it's tenderness is exposed for all to see and for all to injure. and when injured, it bleeds not blood, but sorrow and hurt. in this position, trepid as it may be, i expose my heart to anguish, but also to the slightest caress of kindness. and so i gamble, every day, with my heart as my stake. will you up the ante or fold? or are you bluffing after all?

we are the fire-breathers

hope is an ember in the darkest recesses of our hearts
where neither wind nor water can touch it,
waxing and waning in strength, but never dying.
perpetually it glows in silence and waits,
waits for the day when it may birth a mighty flame
again.

we return to find it, ignored, forgotten,
but ever-present.
it remembers not our disregard, our carelessness,
and as we blow carefully upon it
so as not to extinguish it
and as we feed it
with confidence and faith
as one feeds a fire with wood and oxygen
it grows strong
permeates the now
consumes the past
and is born again.

and so we breath deeply
with our core
full of hope,
full of fire.
we grasp the reins of life
and advance
knowing this is not the end,
we are not the weak.
we live again;
we are the fire-breathers.

Lately, I find myself emerging from the doom and gloom that had occupied my thoughts and actions for the last few months. It's exhilarating to start living life as a normal person once again. Never again will I let fear and stress govern the goings on in my life. It is, after all, my life to do with as I please. It's a God-given right.

I am growing stronger each day. I believe in myself more and more each minute, and my confidence is growing again. I am finding the self I once knew and loved. I have returned.

No longer will I let those who are weak hold me back. No longer will I let those who believe they can inflict pain, harm, or humilation into my life. I am closing doors to the past, and I will never look back. And to those who stand in my way and attempt to impede me: be careful and vigilant, for I will come crashing through your "barriers" to move on with my life.

A good day...

I don't know why today should be any different than any other day, but it was a really good day. I only got out of the house briefly this morning, and came back home. I took one solid nap, but only one, and I actually accomplished quite a bit today. I managed to organize my room better and get a good portion of my dirty laundry done. I sat at my desk working, cleaning, and listening to blues on KGOU all afternoon. I took a nice long shower and put on my comfy scrubs. I watched one really great movie, my new favorite (kiss kiss bang bang), and watched the golden globes in their entirety. I had a good visit with my mom and Oli.

Things just went well today. I haven't felt this cheery in a long while. It's good to finally start coming back to your roots. When you think the world is falling apart, it really isn't. Everything you need is with you. Every solution to every problem is there. You simply have to search within yourself and not let everything in the world distract you from that fact that you are perfect in your totality, because we were all built to have flaws. So my flaws are different than yours--who cares? I'm going to embrace the whole of my existence and do the best I can from now on. No more pity, hopelessness or shame. I am back. I can say that now and mean it.

Sending love to everyone tonight!

why tonight?

So I know that in my previous post I promised I would be sending some kind of update the next day about my new job. Well, thankfully I am not nearly as reliant on the old computer as I once used to be. Granted, I do use my PDA a lot to check email and facebook updates, but getting out the computer is such a burden anymore. I don't have it on 24/7 like I used to.

Today has been a very boring day. But given the fact that I start work on Monday, I think I'm going to enjoy the fact that it was super boring. I didn't leave the house once today. It was spent at home, napping and watching TV periodically, and helping Mom put Christmas ornaments away. I did sketch out a plan of my room with all the furniture drawn to scale so I could figure out a way to rearrange my room tomorrow and maximize space. I like the configuration as it is now, but I have a very hard time keeping the pillows on my bed. I really need a headboard, but I'm making do for now.

Yet another weekend has come and gone and I have not gone out to the clubs. Feels like it has been an eternity since I last went out. I know it was right after the new year that I last ventured out. I do miss seeing Renee, Maria and Ginger. Miss that a lot. I'll probably wind up going out this next weekend to blow off some steam. We'll see! I don't miss the booze, however. I hate drinking on so many levels. I think I'll just get sprite with lime from now on and tell everyone it's vodka. Oh, wicked me.

I think I'll hold off on the job description for now. Maybe after I rearrange my room tomorrow I'll do a whole spread on it. We'll see. Until then, sleep well, and goodnight!

the new year, the new me

Almost 2 whole weeks into the New Year, and things are looking pretty good. For the first time in a long time, I am starting to get my life in order the way I should have years ago. It's like cleaning out the closets where you've been piling junk for a decade--there are cobwebs at every turn and dust covers everything.

I have set in motion a plan for the next 2-3 years of my life. I think it's important to have at least the skeleton of a plan, even if I cannot yet pencil in all of the details. I won't tell you exactly what I have in store for the moment (as it would ruin the surprise!), but I will happily let you follow along for the ride. I'm certain there will be ups and downs along the way, but I'm genuinely trying to live in the moment, outside the constraints of the past or future. The past is baggage that holds me back, and the future is uncertainty, worry, and fear. Why should either be a concern? What I need is food, shelter, respect and love. Everything else is transient.

I should tell you that my absence has not been planned. Far from it. My computer broke a few months ago, and I finally fixed it today. Some corrupt file in the operating system. But I'm definitely back to write the ins and outs of my life. So I think I'll leave it there for the time being. Tomorrow I'll discuss the good news that came to me today: a new job! Good night and sleep well, all my friends!