we are the fire-breathers

hope is an ember in the darkest recesses of our hearts
where neither wind nor water can touch it,
waxing and waning in strength, but never dying.
perpetually it glows in silence and waits,
waits for the day when it may birth a mighty flame
again.

we return to find it, ignored, forgotten,
but ever-present.
it remembers not our disregard, our carelessness,
and as we blow carefully upon it
so as not to extinguish it
and as we feed it
with confidence and faith
as one feeds a fire with wood and oxygen
it grows strong
permeates the now
consumes the past
and is born again.

and so we breath deeply
with our core
full of hope,
full of fire.
we grasp the reins of life
and advance
knowing this is not the end,
we are not the weak.
we live again;
we are the fire-breathers.

Lately, I find myself emerging from the doom and gloom that had occupied my thoughts and actions for the last few months. It's exhilarating to start living life as a normal person once again. Never again will I let fear and stress govern the goings on in my life. It is, after all, my life to do with as I please. It's a God-given right.

I am growing stronger each day. I believe in myself more and more each minute, and my confidence is growing again. I am finding the self I once knew and loved. I have returned.

No longer will I let those who are weak hold me back. No longer will I let those who believe they can inflict pain, harm, or humilation into my life. I am closing doors to the past, and I will never look back. And to those who stand in my way and attempt to impede me: be careful and vigilant, for I will come crashing through your "barriers" to move on with my life.

A good day...

I don't know why today should be any different than any other day, but it was a really good day. I only got out of the house briefly this morning, and came back home. I took one solid nap, but only one, and I actually accomplished quite a bit today. I managed to organize my room better and get a good portion of my dirty laundry done. I sat at my desk working, cleaning, and listening to blues on KGOU all afternoon. I took a nice long shower and put on my comfy scrubs. I watched one really great movie, my new favorite (kiss kiss bang bang), and watched the golden globes in their entirety. I had a good visit with my mom and Oli.

Things just went well today. I haven't felt this cheery in a long while. It's good to finally start coming back to your roots. When you think the world is falling apart, it really isn't. Everything you need is with you. Every solution to every problem is there. You simply have to search within yourself and not let everything in the world distract you from that fact that you are perfect in your totality, because we were all built to have flaws. So my flaws are different than yours--who cares? I'm going to embrace the whole of my existence and do the best I can from now on. No more pity, hopelessness or shame. I am back. I can say that now and mean it.

Sending love to everyone tonight!

why tonight?

So I know that in my previous post I promised I would be sending some kind of update the next day about my new job. Well, thankfully I am not nearly as reliant on the old computer as I once used to be. Granted, I do use my PDA a lot to check email and facebook updates, but getting out the computer is such a burden anymore. I don't have it on 24/7 like I used to.

Today has been a very boring day. But given the fact that I start work on Monday, I think I'm going to enjoy the fact that it was super boring. I didn't leave the house once today. It was spent at home, napping and watching TV periodically, and helping Mom put Christmas ornaments away. I did sketch out a plan of my room with all the furniture drawn to scale so I could figure out a way to rearrange my room tomorrow and maximize space. I like the configuration as it is now, but I have a very hard time keeping the pillows on my bed. I really need a headboard, but I'm making do for now.

Yet another weekend has come and gone and I have not gone out to the clubs. Feels like it has been an eternity since I last went out. I know it was right after the new year that I last ventured out. I do miss seeing Renee, Maria and Ginger. Miss that a lot. I'll probably wind up going out this next weekend to blow off some steam. We'll see! I don't miss the booze, however. I hate drinking on so many levels. I think I'll just get sprite with lime from now on and tell everyone it's vodka. Oh, wicked me.

I think I'll hold off on the job description for now. Maybe after I rearrange my room tomorrow I'll do a whole spread on it. We'll see. Until then, sleep well, and goodnight!

the new year, the new me

Almost 2 whole weeks into the New Year, and things are looking pretty good. For the first time in a long time, I am starting to get my life in order the way I should have years ago. It's like cleaning out the closets where you've been piling junk for a decade--there are cobwebs at every turn and dust covers everything.

I have set in motion a plan for the next 2-3 years of my life. I think it's important to have at least the skeleton of a plan, even if I cannot yet pencil in all of the details. I won't tell you exactly what I have in store for the moment (as it would ruin the surprise!), but I will happily let you follow along for the ride. I'm certain there will be ups and downs along the way, but I'm genuinely trying to live in the moment, outside the constraints of the past or future. The past is baggage that holds me back, and the future is uncertainty, worry, and fear. Why should either be a concern? What I need is food, shelter, respect and love. Everything else is transient.

I should tell you that my absence has not been planned. Far from it. My computer broke a few months ago, and I finally fixed it today. Some corrupt file in the operating system. But I'm definitely back to write the ins and outs of my life. So I think I'll leave it there for the time being. Tomorrow I'll discuss the good news that came to me today: a new job! Good night and sleep well, all my friends!